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我们似乎与生俱来一种亏欠感，或者说一种责任感，导致我们不好意思让人失望，把钱借给不信任的人，和没有共同语言的人相约。我们经常会因为不好意思拒绝别人，答应做一些不情愿做的事情。我们总是缺乏拒绝的勇气，觉得开口说“不”会伤害别人、破坏关系。可你越是不懂拒绝，生活就越是辛苦；总是成全他人，最终亏待的只能是自己。少在意他人想法，多关注自己感受，把精力放在更值得的事上，才是真正成熟，真正强大的开始。
For some of us, our lives are guided – and hemmed in – by one overwhelming imperative: we must never let people down. Not just a few friends and family members, but pretty much anyone who wants anything of us. Perhaps someone wants to see us again for supper. We kept them entertained and now they want more. The problem is that we really don’t much like them – but we go anyway, because how could we not, next time and probably the twenty times after that.
我们中的一些人，生活似乎被一条铁律牵着鼻子走：我们绝不能让人失望。不仅仅不能让亲朋好友失望，而是几乎所有对我们有所期待的人。比如，有人再次想和我们共进晚餐，我们之前让他们感到开心，现在他们想要更多。但问题是，我们实际上并不喜欢他们。尽管如此，我们还是应约，因为不去似乎是不可能的，不仅应约下次，可能还有之后的二十次。
We give money to people we don’t trust, we stay up too late at parties we hate, we wind up on holiday with characters we have little in common with. We would feel a sense of obligation to someone we’d just met on a tram or to a dog that wanted us to keep throwing a ball. On our gravestone it might as well say: got here a lot earlier out of an inability to say no.
我们经常把钱借给不信任的人，我们在并不喜欢的派对上待到很晚，我们和那些几乎没有共同语言的人一起度假。我们可能对一个刚在有轨电车上遇到的人或者一只想要我们一直扔球的狗感到有责任。如果我们的墓碑上要写点什么，或许可以这样写：因为不擅长拒绝，而过早到达生命终点。
It gets worse the kinder a person happens to be to us – and the more emotional the relationship. If we develop reservations about a partner, we’ll smile bravely when they speak of meeting up with their parents, moving in – or getting married. Who are we to have a contrary view? What gives us the right to turn away enthusiasm, simply because we happen to feel a little uncomfortable and intermittently somewhat nauseous?
越是对我们好的人，尤其是那些和我们关系很亲密的人，我们就越难拒绝他们。如果我们对伴侣有些疑虑，当他们提到要见家长、搬到一起住或者结婚时，我们还是会勉强挤出笑容。我们怎么能有反对的意见呢？我们有什么理由因为自己的一点点不舒服和偶尔的恶心感，就去拒绝别人的热情呢？
There tends to be a history behind our feelings of obligation. Way back, people around us were likely not to have been overly interested in our sincere needs. What did it matter how we were feeling about school or a friend or the strange pain in our tummy – when they, the big important person, had something properly vital going on in their world?
我们的亏欠感背后，往往藏着一段不为人知的往事。回想过去，我们身边的人可能并不怎么关心我们真正的感受。我们对学校、朋友或者肚子疼的感受，对他们来说似乎并不重要。毕竟，他们这些重要的人物，他们自己的世界里正发生着一些他们认为至关重要的事情。
We might have needed to tread extremely carefully lest we encourage yet another bout of rage or self-pitying explosion. Probably best not to mention that we needed the bathroom or weren’t having fun in the museum or would really have liked another slice of cake. A manic sense of obligation is the logical consequence of key people’s historic lack of obligation towards us.
我们特别小心谨慎，别一不小心又惹得别人大发脾气或者自怜自艾。最好还是别说我们想去厕所，或者在博物馆里玩得不开心，或者其实还想再吃一块蛋糕。这种强烈的责任感，其实是因为我们身边重要的人过去对我们缺乏责任感而产生的自然反应。
The way out of our knots is to start to take them seriously. This isn’t just part of what everyone has to do. At this pitch, it’s an illness. We need to learn the foreign language of honesty: I don’t want to be with this person any more – even though we had some nice times. I don’t want to see this friend any more – even though they have some good qualities. I don’t need to give them what they want – even if they tell me they adore me.
我们解开自己心结的方法是开始认真对待它们。我们每个人都要面对这件事，否则到了一定程度，它就演变成一种疾病。我们需要学会诚实待己：我不想和这个人在一起了，哪怕我们以前有过开心的时候。我不想再见这个朋友了，哪怕他们有好的地方。我没必要非得满足他们的期望，哪怕他们跟我说他们很喜欢我。
We may be shocked by the discovery of our backbone. We had believed we were ‘nice’; now we sense an obligation to someone beyond the first person who believes we can be useful to them. Along the way, we learn that the consequence of disappointing people is almost never what we fear. Not everyone is like our fragile father or irate mother. Most adults can take a ‘no’, and may even be grateful to us for putting boundaries on their demands.
我们可能会对自己突然变得如此坚定感到吃惊。以前我们总以为自己是老好人，现在我们发现，我们对那些觉得我们有用的人有一种超越自己的责任感。慢慢地，我们明白了，让人失望的后果其实并没有我们想象的那么可怕。不是每个人都像我们的父亲那么脆弱或者像我们的母亲那么易怒。大多数成年人都能接受别人对他们说“不”，甚至可能因为我们对他们的要求设定了界限而感到高兴。
There is an option beyond the dichotomy of meek compliance on the one hand and volcanic fury on the other: we can be at once civil and firm, polite and definitive. ‘I’d have loved to see you, but my health isn’t so good at the moment, so let me be the one to get back in touch when I’m up for it…’ ‘Thank you for your kind offer. I’d have loved to take you up on this, but circumstances make it sadly impossible, do forgive me…’ There should be this sort of stuff at school for those of us who never got it at home – and remain awkward about asking where the bathroom might be.
我们不必非得要么唯唯诺诺，要么就火冒三丈：我们可以既保持礼貌又坚定，既客气又明确。比如说：“其实我挺想见你的，但我现在身体不太舒服，等我身体好了再联系你吧……”或者“谢谢你的邀请，我也挺想去的，但因为一些原因，我现在去不了，希望你能理解……”学校应该教我们这些东西，特别是在家里绝不可能学到的东西，毕竟我们是连问洗手间在哪里都觉得不好意思的人。
We’ll have made progress when we learn to love being kind to ourselves more than we fear momentarily frustrating those who may not even like.
当我们更懂得善待自己，不害怕短暂地让那些可能并不真心喜欢我们的人感到失望时，我们就真的成长了。